forest signals

This is most vile computer input device ever conceived

Seldom (as in never) have I put finger to keyboard with the sole intent of bashing a lowly computer input device. However, I feel it is my duty as a mammal with hands to warn the world about the ergonomic evil that is Microsoft Sidewinder Mouse .

A brief word about your humble messenger: I could be accused of being a computer input device slut (or connoisseur, by my way of thinking). I use a different mouse and keyboard combination on each of the 4 computers I use regularly. I have a hoarded stash of discontinued favorites: mice, keyboards, trackballs and Wacom tablets that I rotate frequently, like one might use a stable of antique British sports cars. I justify this sickness to myself by reveling in the fact that I’ve successfully avoided severe RSI despite having spent no fewer than 12 hours each day for the last 15 years using computers. 

Upshot- I’ve used my fair share of mice ranging from excellent to poor at best. 

The other day, my friend (I’ll call him G) called my desk and told me to look on my shelf. He’d left me a present… the aforementioned Sidewinder. He cagily said he didn’t get on with it and thought I might want to give it a try. This should have been what experienced inner-city homicide detectives call “a clue”.

I plugged it in and starting mousing. It’s ergonomic, kind of in the same way a cheap Chinese-made box cheese grater is ergonomic. To say it is angular is an insult to the science of geometry. While the shape may appear at first glance to have been line-drawn in crayon by a pre-pubescent Halo 2 fanboy, in use it becomes clear that there was a great deal of thought put into making every corner, bump and button as awkward and functionally counterproductive as possible.

One might argue that its shape is meant to give it a mean, aggressive, almost weapon-like appearance- appropriate for a mouse targeted at 1st-person gaming fanatics. I see the point, but would concede it only if firearms were routinely designed with their muzzles pointed backward into the face of the shooter. I suppose I’ll concede the point those who consider the suicide bomb vest an inspirational design.

The side buttons look as if a coke-addled Star Wars prop master glued them on as George Lucas screamed at him to match some feature of Boba Fett’s helmet.  They provide a tactile feedback similar to a wrench turning a rusty lug nut.

The much-touted internal weight system is an ingenious design that somehow manages to make the device feel progressively worse each time you add or remove weight. By the time your give up, you’re consumed with yearning for the halcyon days before you decided try mess around with it. 

My greatest ire is left for the display. Yes, this mouse- a device which by its very nature is meant to be COVERED BY YOUR FUCKING HAND- has a little screen on it. It manages, through the cunning design choices of both a red backlight and crappy, stair-stepped font, to ooze the technological sophistication one associates only with 1970’s-era LED digital watches.

So desperate is my loathing for this mouse that in the 3 days I’ve been using it, I’ve managed to learn almost a dozen new keyboard shortcuts. Give it another week and I’ll most likely be computing entirely through a command prompt window.